new song

Last Sunday in middle school Sunday school, I taught a lesson on Psalm 96, which talks about singing to the Lord, praising Him, worshipping Him, giving Him glory. One of the verses talks about singing a new song to the Lord. This verse reminded me of the verses in Revelation that talk about how we will sing a new song before the throne of God. I don't know about you, but sometimes I get tired of singing the same worship songs over and over again. They're really good for awhile, and then we sing them a hundred times, and I want to give them a rest, sing something new, and come back to them after I haven't sung them for awhile. So, the thought of having a completely new song to sing to the Lord that truly and fully glorifies Him gets me excited. I had never thought of the "new song" this way until last week. And what a timely thought! I've been here in Jackson for quite a long time now (basically since August, minus Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks), and because people from my church in Jackson often lead worship in chapel on Wednesdays and Fridays, I sing the same collection of worship songs every week or so. Now, I'm not complaining; I love to worship in song, and our worship leaders are fantastic. I don't tune out just because I've sung these songs so many times. But recently, I've just wanted something new to sing--something completely new, or even something old that I haven't sung in a long time. I've been looking forward to when I get to go back to the Ranch this summer and sing some worship songs that people around here aren't familiar with. Even more, though, with this new realization, I long for the day when we will sing a new song before the throne of God--when we, fully knowing who He is and how deserving He is of our worship, will worship Him in His presence.  

a major change...literally.

Yes, it's true. I changed my major from Biochemistry (pre-pharmacy) to Accounting. This change seems pretty crazy and surprising and random to a lot of people, I think, because I seemed so dead set on what I was doing. Well, that's true and not true. I was dead set on pharmacy because it's where I felt God was leading me. I was looking into medical missions options or ways that I could use pharmacy to minister to people in lesser reached areas in the States. It made a lot of sense. I'm pretty good at chemistry, interested in medicine, have a desire to help people, and want to use my career to reach people for Christ. I think I've always had some hint of doubt about this path, but I just thought it was the kind of doubt that I deal with in every decision I make. My doubts weren't driving me crazy or anything; they were just there, just a little bit. The more I thought about applying for pharmacy school, going through pharmacy school, and ultimately becoming a pharmacist, the more that doubt became more than just the normal hint of decision-making doubt.

A month or so into this semester, my small doubts turned into undeniable thoughts about changing my major. I started looking into other majors and kept coming back to accounting. I love math and records and spreadsheets (nerdy, I know), and I'm confident that God will open doors for me to work in a place where I can get involved in a local church and local ministries, whether that's near home, across the States, or in a different country. I've prayed about what I can do with my life to bring God glory for years, and the more I've prayed about my future, the more God has shown me that I don't have to fear "missing out" on his will. It's really easy for me to think, "What if I should persevere through hours of chemistry and biology labs to do what I thought God was leading me to do from the beginning? What if I'm totally making the wrong change? What if God has something else in mind for me?" but every time I think something like that, I know those what if's are not necessary. They are not beneficial to me. Actually, they are detrimental. My Father loves me. I am His. Only good things come from Him. If I'm seeking HIS face (rather than seeking His specific plan for my life), He will not fail to finish what He has started in me. I believe it. Even more, I believe that God has used the classes I've taken and the people I've learned with to prepare me for my future, even though chemistry has nothing to do with accounting. With that (that God is using my classes to prepare me for my future, not that chemistry has nothing to do with accounting) in mind, I'm finishing Organic Chemistry and Physics this semester. Yeah, it's been fun.

Nevertheless, I keep these verses in mind as I make this change:

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" James 3:13-15

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His good, pleasing, and perfect will." Romans 12:2

"Rejoice always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

So truly, I don't know with any certainty what three years down the road will look like for me. I don't have to. I don't have to act like I know. I do know, however, that as I seek the Lord, He will renew my mind, and I will be transformed more and more daily to be like Him. As I know Him more, I understand His will more. But essentially, Paul lays out God's will for every believer in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. I think if we can grasp that, God's will works out in the specifics of our individual lives.

I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!

Thought I could get some new readers with that title, and I couldn't resist the Elf reference. But really. I'm in love with someone who loved me first, before I even knew he existed--before I physically existed. I heard about him, and I told him I would think about him when I was old enough for my relationship with him to matter, and he still loved me. I knew that I needed him but chose to keep him at a distance, and he still loved me. He pursued me. He pursued me, and I rejected him--more than once. He was patient. I finally acknowledged my need for him, and he welcomed me in without hesitation. I've gone through times where I've forgotten him--I've forgotten who he is and who I am because of him. By forgotten, I don't mean I completely stopped thinking about him or even talking to him, I just let knowledge of him hang out in my head rather than resonate in my heart. I didn't know how to love him or even really be loved by him when I just knew about him; now I love him and receive love from him because I know him. Knowing him means transformation from the inside out. Knowing about him makes me want to make myself more like him. I've tried to change myself and failed. But knowing him makes me more like him. He makes me more like him. I don't make myself more like him. No, no. He makes me more like him. Every day when I step outside I'm reminded of the greatness of the one who loves me. I see the sunrise and know that he painted it. I see the bright leaves and am mesmerized by his creativity. I can't get over him. On my own I'm distracted, anxious, impatient, selfish, but he loves me. Even when I forget, he doesn't. So, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it! I can't get over the love of my God--my God, who loved me when I said no to him, who put on skin and took the wrath of God for the sins of the world so that I could know him and worship him without shame, who continues to amaze me day after day. 

Who is this God to you? Are you over him? Has his story become cliche to you? Have you known him and forgotten him? Has he seemed too far away? He knows you, and believe me, he wants you to know him. The thing that blows my mind is that he loves you as personally and individually as he loves me and every other person he made. Yeah wow. 

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" 

          1 John 3:1

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

          Jeremiah 29:13 

take notes

So last blog, I talked about listening. Let me follow that up with another important lesson I learned this summer: take notes. 

 Like I said, I learned a lot over the summer. I learned a lot about myself, about God, about living in community, just a lot. As I learned to listen to what God was teaching me, and as I continue to do so, I've realized how important it is to write these things down. When I go back and look at what I've written down, it's fun to see where God taught me something that blew my mind or where I had questions or prayers that God has since answered. Also, looking back helps me to remember and apply what I'm learning. Writing things down is such a good way to document God's faithfulness, as official as that sounds. At times when I need assurance, I can look at something from my own life on paper and remember that I live for a God who keeps His promises.

like trying to fit the ocean in a cup

It's been said that trying to describe God in words is like "trying to fit the ocean in a cup" (from a Josh Wilson song, 3 Minute Song). Well, somewhat similarly, I've been hesitant to blog about my summer because words do not sufficiently convey my experiences as a summer staff volunteer at JH Ranch. However, I want to share about what I learned over the summer. I won't even try to do so in one blog, even in ten. Over the next few months, nevertheless, I'll be doing the best I can to fit the multi-volume encyclopedia of what I learned and experienced over the summer into short (ha) blog posts.


First thing I would say I learned: Listen.

After probably a few days at the Ranch, I started to realize what value there is in merely listening. I would find myself sitting on the couch in The Bean (one of the girls staff houses) listening to girls from my age to a few years older than me, from different colleges, different parts of the country, different stages in life, talk for hours. I learned and gained so much just from listening to the life experiences, perspectives, and opinions of these awesome girls.

In addition to learning the value of listening and learning from my friends and peers, I learned how to better listen to teaching, in small and bigger settings. And by this, I don't mean that I am more able to sit still for long sermons or more able to remember what I'm taught. No, I mean that I learned how to approach opportunities to be taught--opportunities to learn. I acquired (even more than what I already had) a hunger for more--more truth, more wisdom, just more. And even more now that I'm home, God constantly reminds me to keep my ears open and to stay hungry and expectant. I approach classes, chapels, sermons, etc. with a kind of expectancy that I haven't had before. This semester alone, God has answered questions I've asked and taught me so much through a conglomeration of my classes, chapels, and church services. Literally a conglomeration. That part is important. These classes, chapels, church services, even conversations are great on their own, but the Holy Spirit is teaching me not only to listen to what's being taught but to listen to what He is teaching me. This means all day every day, classes, conversations, speakers, songs, books, you get the idea...my ears are attuned to the One who shows me truth. My brain has been like a big messy tangled game of connect the dots recently. Every time the Holy Spirit helps me make a connection in my overloaded brain, the picture becomes clearer. It's kinda fun. And it's only because I'm listening.